Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
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ME: finally a program for me
podcasts
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
liiiiiiiiike
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber