Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

PARKOUR

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I will never stop laughing at this

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?