Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
✨☝️✨
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”