Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.