Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.