Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
