Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

The two types of wives

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.