Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Merry Christmas
