Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was a valiant fight

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

FRED: right

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT