Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

The Others (2001)

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

This is I, Robot all over again

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*