Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

My dog ate my work from home.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Well well well…

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal