Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”