I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
fixed it
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.