Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer