Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Labreador

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.