Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?