Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Sponch

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.