I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
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2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
This bar smells like my childhood.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud