[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine