If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
(Gaming support cat.)
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
