Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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My dad teaching me to drive
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO