Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

I cheated on my exam by hiding all the answers in my head and accessing it throughout the test.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

this is the news I live for

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.