[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
fly smarter, not harder
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Whoa 😂
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.