wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.