Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.