Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.

Me: Okay.

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea