Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”

Ken is short for chicken