Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.