I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go