Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
🤣
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.