Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
