On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.