Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Fight
born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that