My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
