Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”