Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

Ape together strong

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not