Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

is this a threat

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?