Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Rude much 😂😂😂

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.