Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
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Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
work smarter, not harder
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that