ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM