I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra