Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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