gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
why I oughta
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
🤣🤣💀
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.