It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee