Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

*skinny dips into black hole

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

this is uni

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”