me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Interior designer.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount