Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Morning all.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..