Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

*has no idea what a book even is*

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.