The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
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[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit