Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Never go to sleep after making me angry

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better