Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

Tough love is true love

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

okay run it by me one more time

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.